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the depression was back, full throttle at times but still controllable.
it was just back and this underlying lingering presence.
that strange crackling noise you hear when walking through the streets at night but every time you look there's nothing there.
but then you let your guard down one night because you think "ha, it's just nothing, silly, remember?"
and then there's this shadow looming over you as you stoop down to tie your shoelaces
but before you can turn to look or utter a word the shadow dances and grows
and suddenly there's this overwhelming numbing pain with blackness infringing on the edges threatening to pull you under.
you regret letting your guard down now because you were right to be a paranoid bastard
and you should never have let yourself be less cautious when you were so sure that something bad was coming.
too fucking late.
the shadow is completely covering you now and painpainpain is everywhere.
and when it ends you just feel so empty and tired and angry and stupid and and and.
you spend the next four days two weeks lying in bed feeling absolutely nothing and everything all at once.
the darkness won and you lost.
life goes on but you can't find the energy inside to get up and move along with it.
it was just back and this underlying lingering presence.
that strange crackling noise you hear when walking through the streets at night but every time you look there's nothing there.
but then you let your guard down one night because you think "ha, it's just nothing, silly, remember?"
and then there's this shadow looming over you as you stoop down to tie your shoelaces
but before you can turn to look or utter a word the shadow dances and grows
and suddenly there's this overwhelming numbing pain with blackness infringing on the edges threatening to pull you under.
you regret letting your guard down now because you were right to be a paranoid bastard
and you should never have let yourself be less cautious when you were so sure that something bad was coming.
too fucking late.
the shadow is completely covering you now and painpainpain is everywhere.
and when it ends you just feel so empty and tired and angry and stupid and and and.
you spend the next four days two weeks lying in bed feeling absolutely nothing and everything all at once.
the darkness won and you lost.
life goes on but you can't find the energy inside to get up and move along with it.
it's that tightening in your chest the pain clenching and unclenching as your lungs fight for the oxygen so desperately
there's a barrier slotted down sharp against your tongue blocking the passageway from the outside into the lungs
air stops abruptly hitting this invisible wall and crumbling down gathering like ash from a molten volcano in your mouth
dizziness swirls around and inside your head the pressure too much like a vice clamping down on your skull
thoughts so scattered as they flutter to the still open spaces not being invaded by this sudden vicious presence
black spots dance in your vision your brain as starved as your lungs and you gasp and sink and still there is nothing
fists clenched tight the skin of your palms splitting open in moon crescent shapes as nails dig in
you blink and tears slither tiny drops escaping and making tracks down your cheeks red and blotchy
the dark stark crimson swelling in your cheeks and in your eyes a vivid contrast against the white of your skin
your whole body revolting as you try desperately to force your mind to take back control and fix it
fix the pain and the hate and the ever ending flood of bad thoughts and gasps for air and bleeding palms
(and deep inside the confines of your mind you're thinking maybe just this once it wouldn't be so bad to give in)
there's a barrier slotted down sharp against your tongue blocking the passageway from the outside into the lungs
air stops abruptly hitting this invisible wall and crumbling down gathering like ash from a molten volcano in your mouth
dizziness swirls around and inside your head the pressure too much like a vice clamping down on your skull
thoughts so scattered as they flutter to the still open spaces not being invaded by this sudden vicious presence
black spots dance in your vision your brain as starved as your lungs and you gasp and sink and still there is nothing
fists clenched tight the skin of your palms splitting open in moon crescent shapes as nails dig in
you blink and tears slither tiny drops escaping and making tracks down your cheeks red and blotchy
the dark stark crimson swelling in your cheeks and in your eyes a vivid contrast against the white of your skin
your whole body revolting as you try desperately to force your mind to take back control and fix it
fix the pain and the hate and the ever ending flood of bad thoughts and gasps for air and bleeding palms
(and deep inside the confines of your mind you're thinking maybe just this once it wouldn't be so bad to give in)